Enterprise Tribble Genetic Research Program
by FrauleinTofu
Summary: A prompt from kink meme. Tribble sex. CRACK. Tribble dance. More CRACK. It all started with a crew of bored geniuses with too much free time.


"Scotty. I have a very important question for you, like, life-and-death situation type question."

Chief Engineer Montgomery Scott ceased tinkering inside a jeffries tube and crawled out of the narrow space to regard his captain seriously.

"Aye, Captain?"

Captain James T. Kirk gripped Scotty's shoulders and stared him square in the eyes.

"How do Tribbles have sex?"

Blinking a few times, then glancing around to see if there was anybody else around, Scotty was dismayed to find that he was alone with the captain. Well, he supposed he had been in worse situations, though explaining Tribble sex was pretty damn high on his list. Whatever the case, Scotty was duty bound to answer the captain.

"I don't know…Have ye tried askin' Mr. Spock, sir?"

Kirk looked downtrodden when Scotty suggested he ask somebody else. What Scotty did not know was that he already thought of that first. The disillusionment from finding out Spock did not know how Tribbles got their freak on was a hard blow. Of course, there was a very good chance Spock did not understand what 'got their freak on' meant, but still, he did not know anything beyond what was already written about Tribbles.

Doctor Leonard McCoy was his second choice and his ignorance of Tribble physiology was almost offensive. Kirk was promptly kicked out of sickbay with threats of hyposprays and, "Dammit, Jim, I'm a doctor, not a xeno-veterinarian." So many large words were thrown around whenever he hung out with Spock and McCoy. Kirk understood them just fine, he was merely of the opinion that simple was better. And clearly, something as simple as Tribble sex was beyond the greatest minds of the universe.

"Man, Scotty, you were my last hope, my last chance at unraveling the greatest mystery in the universe!" Kirk whined pathetically.

It became apparent to Scotty that the captain was bored. That was the only explanation for his childish behavior in regards to Tribble sex. Now that he thought about, the crew of the _Enterprise_ had not been on any type of mission for the last two and a half weeks and they were currently traveling through a scientifically boring, already explored, section of the quadrant. Actually, Scotty was surprised it took this long for such an asinine situation to crop up. A ship full of young, bored super-geniuses could only lead to stupidity. Then again, there was some merit to the Tribble mystery. Who better to solve the Tribble sex mystery than a ship full of young, bored super-geniuses?

"I've got an idea that just might work, Captain." Scotty suggested.

Kirk's attention immediately perked up.

"I knew you wouldn't let me down!" he tugged Scotty into an affectionate bear hug.

Reaching over with his one free arm and patting Kirk on the head, Scotty managed to escape the embrace. He motioned towards the office space off to the side. When he and Kirk arrived inside, Scotty walked over to the cluttered desk and opened the door of a medium size cage.

Purring and trilling softly, a Tribble sat happily in Scotty's hand. Immediately, Kirk and Scotty relaxed and just listened to the soft cooing. They remained standing like that for a few minutes and were knocked out of their reverie when Spock cleared his throat.

"Captain…Mr. Scott…" Spock greeted slowly as if he was unsure of whether or not he should be there. "I see you have presented Mr. Scott with our quandary. I researched into Tribble mating experiments and have discovered that the next station we pass is willing to give us a Tribble."

Kirk looked absolutely giddy.

"Awesome. Scotty, make sure transporters are fully function. Spock, get Uhura to connect with the station and request their sexiest, most virile Tribble they got. Then, alert the life sciences of our new experiment so they can prep the labs. I'm going to go tell Bones."

He did not wait to see if Spock would agree before disappearing out of the engineering floor. Soft cooing filled the room.

"Mr. Spock…what's the probability we're going to succeed." Scotty asked.

"In standard circumstances, the probability would be too miniscule to calculate." Spock responded blandly. "However, given the crew of the _Enterprise_ is in no way standard…forty-three point seven percent."

Scotty's eyebrows shot upward with an amused smile as he placed the Tribble back in its cage.

"That a fact, eh? Pretty damn good, if ye ask me."

He shoved the cage into Spock's arms. With a pat on the back, he ushered the Vulcan out of the office, and out of the engineering room. Scotty waved to him as the doors sealed shut.

Spock stared at the closed doors, Tribble cage in hand. A sharp trill broke his concentration and he immediately stuck his finger through the space between the bars and stroked the Tribble. Its irritability was soothed by the stroking motion and immediately resumed its usual soft trilling. It truly was a peaceful and soothing sound, not that he would ever admit that to anybody.

By the time Spock carried the cage to the designated life sciences lab, the other members of the alpha shift bridge crew were present, even McCoy.

"Where's Scotty?" Kirk asked.

"He did not appear to be interested in our experiment." Spock answered as he set the cage on the center table alongside a second cage.

"Too bad, this is going to be epic. Everybody ready?" Kirk made direct eye contact with every person in the room, each nodding in the affirmative. "Then let the Tribble sexing begin!"

With undue reverence, Kirk and Spock simultaneously opened the doors to the cages. McCoy immediately began scanning the Tribbles with his tricorder while Sulu recorded the monumental event. Kirk and Spock took the Tribbles out and set them next to each other. Everybody slowly backed away and stared.

Cooing softly, the two Tribbles just sat there doing what they do best aside from eating and breeding, cooing. Seconds turned into minutes, and eventually, minutes became two hours and twenty-four minutes.

"Should we poke them with a stick or something?" McCoy asked sarcastically.

"There is Russian method of mating the animals." Chekov proposed. "We get burlap sack and-"

"Kid, I don't want to know how a burlap sack is going to breed Tribbles." interrupted McCoy.

"Method worked for guinea pigs…" Chekov trailed off, realizing the Russian method was not going to be used any time soon.

Kirk rubbed his hand over his face.

"Alright people, we're calling it a break right now." Kirk ordered while trying to work a kink out of his stiff neck. "Sulu, set that recorder on a stand and we'll leave them to do…whatever."

"Captain, it would be best for at least one crewmember to remain here should a mating event occur." Spock suggested.

"Hm, good point, Spock." Kirk agreed. Then he pointed at McCoy. "Bones, you got first shift. Have fun."

The others quickly cleared the room including Kirk and Spock. McCoy just watched them leave wide-eyed and spluttering in indignation.

"Damn you all! I'll remember this when physicals roll around!" he yelled to no avail. The room was already empty.

All that remained were two trilling Tribbles.

"Hey, that's a tongue twister…Dammit, I'm insane already." McCoy growled.

At least he had nothing needing his attention in sickbay. The few cases that came in were a direct result of stupidity. Nurse Chapel was more than capable of dealing with burns and appendages stuck in various objects. Pulling up a chair, McCoy tried to get comfortable and settle in for the long haul.

With much shifting and grumbling, McCoy finally found a position that kept the least pressure off his hips. He crossed his arms and glared daggers at the furry Tribbles. They were immune to his acidy glare and continued to coo and purr softly. The two slightly different pitches created a harmonizing cadence that McCoy actually found beautiful to listen to. His eyes slowly began to drift close as the harmony lulled against his ears and turned his brain into cotton. His head dipped forward so his chin was resting on his chest. Without ever realizing it, McCoy was put to sleep.

Now it was their time. The smaller brown one shifted its cooing into a more frenzied series of pitches while it twitched and wiggled in a circle. The larger white one began a set of undulating motions and made low warbling noises. Then it began to shimmy in one direction before shimmying in another direction. It performed a complex pattern of similar motions before it slowly started to circle the brown one.

While the white one was doing laps around the other Tribble, the brown one continued to wiggle and waggle causing its plush fur to fly every which way showing off the healthy sheen. This action caused the white Tribble to trill loudly and tighten the diameter of the circle it was making around its intended. Their trilling and warbling became louder and more discordant as the white one approached the brown. The brown Tribble pushed lightly against the white one before pulling back. This action was repeated several times, each instance causing the white one to shiver and purr.

At long last, the white and brown Tribbles pressed tightly against each other. Though the high pitched noises they were making were discordant, as they remained attached the noises became synchronized until once again, they matched their pitches perfectly. There was more wiggling, shimmying, and undulating all the while their trills and squeaks became louder and faster. Brown fur bled into white, and the two Tribbles were as one. With one final trilling screech the two Tribbles parted, their fur mussed up. They immediately resumed their soft cooing and shimmied next to each other. Unlike the previous time, the white one and brown one merely snuggled against each other and continued their soft, sweet cooing.

When McCoy jerked awake, he was thrilled and dismayed to find the two Tribbles huddled together in the center of the table along with ten smaller Tribbles. Colors ranged between dark brown to pure white. Some were spotted and others were varying shades. Clearly something happened, which made him happy, but he also missed said happening, which made him angry. At least they had the foresight to set up a recording. He called Kirk and the others back to the lab. Everybody arrived at once and hurried to get in the room.

"What happened, Bones?" Kirk asked eagerly.

McCoy shook his head.

"I don't know, Jim. For some reason I just feel asleep and when I woke up, they were like that." he explained as he pointed to the Tribbles.

"Well, at least we have footage of this. Sulu, wind that video up and lets see what we got."

"Aye, Captain." Sulu answered. He went to the recording device and tried to pull the feed.

Everybody feared the worst when Sulu's expression was one of abject defeat. He looked pitifully at Kirk.

"Sir, the footage has been lost. I don't know how, but it's been erased." Sulu handed the recording device to the captain.

"Are you serious? Damn, we were so close too. It's obvious those two are a perfect match." Kirk mumbled dejectedly.

Spock walked over to the table and picked up one of the smaller ones. It trilled in utter delight when he gently petted it. The others seemed to approve of this action and shimmied closer to Spock in an attempt to get picked up and loved.

"It is not a complete loss, Captain." Spock picked up a second Tribble and held one in each hand. They cooed softly. "We now have a Filial One generation with two known parents. The opportunity for this kind of genetic research has never been available."

Nodding his head slowly, Sulu grinned in agreement.

"Of course! This is the beginning of selective breeding!"

Kirk clapped his hands loudly together, but immediately cringed when Spock shot him the 'nerve pinch a bitch' glare. The loud noise created by the clapping startled the Tribbles. Spock would have none of that.

"Er, sorry, Spock…" Kirk rubbed the back of his neck ruefully. "Anyways, we apparently got something good out of this, so let's just run with it. Since we don't have anything going on, anybody is free to work on the Tribble sex project."

There was a murmur of agreement from everybody present as they finally caved into the fuzzy, puffy love that was a Tribble. And thus began the "_U.S.S. Enterprise_ Tribble Genetic Research Project."

Meanwhile, Scotty sat in his office, door closed, watching his computer screen. He scratched his head in wonderment.

"Huh, who'd a thunk the little beasties could do _that_."

* * *

**A/N:** I've decided to post a few of the stories from my lj due to a few requests. You now get a tribble prompt. Yes, they're supposed to be aesexual, but who knows, maybe tribble dancing and snuggling stimulates their procreative response. Either way, I was tired and thus, far too amused with the prompt. Hope you enjoyed.

TribblesTribblesTribbles,  
~Tofu


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